My Four-Wing Is Showing

We were sitting in the Thai deli eating lunch when I told Teo What I Want From Sex, (in short, stardust and magic), and he smiled at me and said, "Your Four-wing is showing."

I didn't catch the reference at first, and thought maybe a shoulder is like a forewing and my sleeve was torn and gaping.   Then I remembered that canards might be called forewings, and wondered where the corresponding point would be (a moustache? ~ what?! I HAVE A MOUSTACHE?! ~ ears? collarbone?)   Teo noticed all the gizmos grinding in my brain, and filled in the missing piece, "Your enneagram Four-wing."

Ahhhhhhh.... yes, it all snapped together and I laughed with relief.   It had been a long time since we had talked about the enneagram, and even longer since we talked about me having a Four-wing.

I used to laugh it off.   I thought I was quite unlike a Four.   Fours are so dreamy, so lost in their imaginations, so, um, romantic, from the shooting stars above their heads to the flower petals below their feet.   In fact, some enneagrammers give the label Romantic to the Four.  But this time I couldn't easily dismiss it.   Just recently I wrote that Yes, I'm a Romantic plus the subtitle/intropoem of this blog says "this is the essence of love and romance."   I chewed over these thoughts and remembered how indulgent these writings are to dreams and imagination, in other words, to Four types.

So, yes, dear Teo, I do concur.   I do have a Four-wing, and it's been growing lately.   This blog has been devoted to its exercise and, as a result, its accelerated growth and development.   After listening to Teo talk about his own tendencies about intimacy and sex (Teo's an Eight), I decided it would be a good idea to branch out to more facets of love and romance, of intimacy and sex.   People of all types bond, and they bond in their own special ways.   It's a bit narrow to ignore all those other ways of bonding and sharing, so I plan to broaden the scope of coverage to include lovers of many stripes, not just romantics.

Originally I figured everyone needed their romantic nature nourished, perhaps even revived, and I still believe that.   But now I figure a good way to do that is to support and nourish their life nature and also supply doses to fortify their romantic nature.

A translation of the paragraph above: every enneagram type has at least a little bit of each of the other types, including the Four.   But each type lives and loves differently, so each main type needs to be supported along with the bit of Four.   If you would like more attention for your own enneagram type, write to me and tell me about your situation.


~ with love from Jolene

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Image credit: The Enneagram Institute

Sister in the Romantic Revolution

A few days after Aja said he didn't really understand what would inspire someone to subscribe to my blog, Carol Allen replied to my request to quote her newsletters. She really summed up what's going on here.
Hi Jolene,
Thanks for writing!
Congrats on your blog.
I don't mind you sharing my stuff at all - there's a four alarm fire out there and we all need to get the word out about relationships and what works! People are literally dying over this stuff!
[snip some stuff about commerce]
Thanks for being a sister in the romantic revolution.
Thanks!
Carol


That really feels good ~~ a sister in the romantic revolution!   Charges me all up to stride forth like Liberty Leading the People (or as the French artist Eugene Delacroix called his painting shown above: La Liberté guidant le peuple)

Romance or Nothing

You would make me choose.   You would hope to make romance irresistible, and you would work hard, I know, but to better your odds, you'd take friendship off the table and then tell me, "Romance or nothing.   Choose."

You'd rather gamble for gold than settle for sunlight, such are the stakes that you see.   Gold is rare and coveted, and it even glistens like the sun so you would have it all, wouldn't you?   But sunlight ~ common, ordinary sunlight ~ anybody can have that.   It's no prize.   And you want a prize.

You have done this so many times, to yourself, to your lovers.   Oh, you haven't stated it in those words, perhaps, but the undertone was always there.   "Romance or nothing.   Choose."

So I did.   I hoped your words would come true: "Of course, friendship is important.   Of course, I'm your friend," even though I knew that as you said them, deep down, you didn't believe them yourself.   I felt the gamester lurking, the little demon who makes you say things because he tells you that's the way to play the game.

Well, darling, the little demon is right about one thing.   That's the way to play one game ~ the small game ~ the game for nuggets that you never win.

The illusion is so lovely, though.   The shining gold nuggets dangle before you, almost within reach.   Just a little more effort, just a little adjustment, or maybe a lot of adjustment, but look at those nuggets!   Make those adjustments, whatever it takes!   Believe what is false, avoid what is true, but adjust!   Sometimes you might touch one, just enough to make you think it's real.   But you never get close enough to really examine those nuggets, to really figure out what you're aiming for ~ certainly never close enough to win them, to finally hold your prize.

That's how romance is defined for those who play the small game.   The nuggets are out of reach by definition because phony romance is defined by the pretense of mystery.   One must pretend to increase intimacy while at the same time pretending to maintain mystery.   What a paradox.   With true intimacy, veils are lifted and secrets revealed, and the two become closer as they understand each other more truly.   On the other hand, a phony romance is served by veiling the other with illusions to gratify one's ego, with fantasies to stoke one's desire.

This is why you would make me choose ~ for your ego, for your desire, but not for the bonds between us.   Friendship values intimacy ~ the real kind.   A deeper friendship means deeper intimacy means peeling veils and letting them fall one by one.

"You see," says the little demon, "stripping off those veils!   Next thing you know you're sittin' there buck naked in stark sunlight with nothing left for fun!"   And he snorts with contempt for the fool who would settle for the glare of sunlight instead of the glitter of dangling nuggets.

It's easy to fall for that zinger.   But remember for any endeavor that humans pursue, the more you know, the more there is to know.   The more you seek, the more you find to seek.   I'll add the refinement that the more depth you explore in intimacy, the more depth you discover.   Your discovery of another human being is limited only by the equipment you bring to the task.   Even more importantly, your appreciation and wonderment of another is limited only by your ability to appreciate the wonders of this universe.

That would explain why the game of phony romance is so appealing.   People don't have much faith in their ability to appreciate subtle wonders, so they try to conjure up excitement by using romantic illusion to focus their wandering attention on their chosen beloved.   That kind of romance floats for a while.   And then it sinks.

I learned to heed the little gamester's bluff and call it.   I learned to say, "Friendship first, or nothing doing.   I want to explore what is between us with open eyes and open heart."

Yes, I'll give up the gold and settle for sunlight.   I'll choose that which is so abundant it is expected, presumed, and taken for granted, even unappreciated by some who think it's common and ordinary and no prize at all.

Sunlight, giver of life and grace of the day, is taken for granted because it is so abundant and reliable.   But that's no common and ordinary thing.   Reliable abundance makes the sun our planet's blue ribbon, number one, most important source of energy for life ~ a high prize indeed.



Let us begin with abundant sun.
Come as a friend, blessed by the day.
Let us discover between us our bonds,
Growing as lovers, blessed be our way.

~~~     ~~~     ~~~     ~~~     ~~~

Carol Allen encourages a focus on the theme of friendship in this excerpt from her March newsletter.

Dangling earrings and heart locket as seen at girlprops.com

Not Stamped For Work

NSFW is a web acronym meaning "Not Safe/Suitable For Work".   After reading the wikipedia entry, I declare that this blog is most definitely Not Stamped For Work, nor for any kind of situation that imposes mind control or numbing of the senses or emotions.

On the contrary, only half (or less) of the content here is at the surface in textual words and visible pictures.   The other and most useful half is in subtextual poetics and substratal impressions, in emotional currents, invisible patterns, and libidinal imagery.   Corporate and institutional environments (including most schools and workplaces) impose constraints on the mind and emotions.   Even the descriptive words -- corporate, institutional, environment -- are hard and dry; they numb and deaden life's juiciness.

So I beg you to avoid this site when you are at work or school.   The mix is like oil and water: you'd have to add alcohol, but work and school don't like that either!

Yes, I'm a Romantic (How'd you guess?!)

Of course, I'm a romantic.

Let's try that again.   Of course, I'm a Romantic, with all the swirly flourishes and soundings of strings and cymbals included.

But I'm not a hopeless romantic.   I don't sigh heavily with disappointment, and I don't obsess over potential meanings in small gestures.   Nope.

On the other hand, I do sigh deeply with pleasure and I do obsess over subtle meanings in small messages I write in poems and songs.

I am a hopeful romantic.

The romantic in me pays attention to small gifts of beauty and joy that life brings us always and everywhere.   And hopefulness means that in times of uncertainty, I put more attention on the bright side rather than the dark side.

Regrets of the Great Seduction

Four weeks have gone by since I first thought to write
of a misunderstanding of yin,
But then I thought twice, to get it just right,
to present it correctly within
the Grand Conception, the Big Idea,
the Ultimate Perfect Intent,
(One can't just start in the middle of something
without the beginning and end!)

Like the time I blushed with a rush of excitement
and wanted to touch you right there,
Just a moment, a trace, a flicker of touch,
but clothing encumbered desire.
And then came a thought, as I pulled at your shirt,
that you might to a greater extent
want a Big Production, a Great Seduction,
an Ultimate Perfect Event.

Took my hands off your shirt, put my thoughts to their work,
and began to plan the next turn.
But feelings fermented and soon felt regret of
what could have and might have been done....
Like tickling your tummy with the tip of my nose,
and whispering into your skin,
Like nuzzling the arrow that leads to your grove,
and breathing your muskiness in....

To start at your middle, your navel, in fact,
With no sort of warning before,
To end of a sudden, full flush in the act ~
Is so little too much to be borne?
I think rather not -- yes, you'd like the attack,
and be up to endure many more.
So what is this business of holding things back,
of suborning the now to the morrow?

Here I'll stop the meter and rhyme, and get to the publishing end.  I've much more to write about earlobes and toes, of lickles and tickles and thrills.  But if I keep on going, I'll fall to the lure and regret of the great seduction.

It seems to me that a Great Seduction is at its best as a solitary romp of imagination.  There it can be edited and replayed, then rewritten or completely started over, all in a few minutes and with no confusion whatsoever -- just like in your dreams, where anything happens and everything makes sense, and weeks of time are compressed into seconds.  The imaginary great seduction has no bounds, and can indeed be perfect.

A real and true encounter, on the other hand, is limited by our physical bodies and linear time.  It's limited by the responses of the other person involved.  These limits are the outlines of the here and now, and they make every real encounter unique and unrepeatable.  Then there is the substance of the here and now -- the vibration and flow of the cosmos.  Grab that substance and feel it twist through your hands as a lively, energetic thing, and feel it flow around and through your body as you respond to every nuanced suggestion.

Moment after precious moment ticks away in this encounter, not planned and never to be repeated.  The preciousness would be unbearable, except that the next moment is coming, to be met and enjoyed, and then the next, and the next.  No time for dwelling on sentimentality until it's all over and can be remembered at leisure.

So I ask you: What really is the Great Seduction?  Is it something you do to your lover at a particular place and time with props and plan?  Or is it something the cosmos does to your encounter?  Subtle and smooth, it all seems innocently spontaneous ~ the cosmic flow so warm and silky, the cosmic hum alluring, soothing.  You wish to abandon yourself to this great seducer, to surrender your small beliefs and fears.  But still you might cling to distrust and apprehension, and reject this wooer's appeal.

Don't worry, my dear.  You'll have other chances to welcome the overtures of the Great Seducer ~ with every new encounter you engage.

~ with love from Jolene

These Frolics

love has all the time in the world

beyond time and dimension, it flows deeper through your body than your mind will ever know

your cells understand love quite well, bless 'em

these words and pictures are not for them

these frolics are here to seduce your mind from its chase for love, to allure you to dally a while

to distract you with flowers along the path, to perplex and to puzzle, to invite you to pause

and maybe the mysteries will then have a chance to catch up to you, to flutter about and alight on your thumb and touch your untouched loss

you have my warmest welcome



~ with love from Jolene

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photo credit: prefers to be unnamed at this time ~ contact Jolene for permissions